K called for a second time this week. I was not able to answer it but I had a good feeling. I thought we’d be able to start anew.
So I sent him an SMS. To my surprise, I was asked who I was. It only meant that my number had already been deleted from his phone. So I texted one more time, to introduce myself with a joke about my identity. Imagine my surprise when T, the cause of our break-up, introduced herself in the reply sent from K’s number.
I realize that that is what my dream last night probably meant. In that dream, K was in the same town as I but did not meet me.
I knew then that it was time
to take a step forward…
…just by myself.
I was not able to stop the tears from falling. I didn’t want to. But there was no real anger in my heart. Just resignation and acceptance, and overwhelming love.
For four years, he had been a major part of my life. So I don’t really know how to go on from here. But I pray that I would be able to make it. That I may have strength and may I be guided on my path.
Amidst the tears, I reminded myself of the second dream I had last night. Of a man who held my hand, and told me to be strong and that everything will be all right. Amidst the tears, I wrapped myself in the memory of that man’s warmth and gentleness.
I was the one cheated on but somehow I blamed myself. Because had I not given up then, had I not been overtaken by the fear of being hurt again..had I not pushed him away back then, things would have probably been different.
Often, we think that because we were wronged or hurt, we’re supposed to hate/mistrust the other person/shut them out of our lives/hurt the other person as well. But these self-denial, these beliefs only hurt us…
It was only later when I finally accepted that I still love K and that it had not even been diminished by what transpired. I was set free inside. The hate, the fear, the pain, the past and the future became less material and I was freed to love as God commanded. My regret–the realization might have come too late.
But even though I was crying, there’s a part of me that said that I would be all right.
For it is this kind of love that helps us free the other person from all the ties that bind, except one…and that is LOVE.
I sent an SMS again, but this time, I bid them happiness. It was what I sincerely felt. I love K enough to wish him happiness despite everything.